My dad died a few weeks ago. I had seen it coming for a long time because he had been ill for years at this point yet I was taken aback by how much it did hurt.
My relationship with my dad was lukewarm at best. Non-existant for years, really. A stern type, my dad was a man of sharp words. He never spared them on me and as a child I was his favourite target. That and his hatred of women in general never granted us a good relationship.
When I was younger I used to think that one day he’d come around and apologise for all the things he had done to me and to my family, but, not surprisingly, he never did. I could go on and write a long rant about how many bad things he did and how much pain he caused but I deem it pointless. The past should stay in the past. Where it belongs.
Instead, I want to say thank you, dad, for teaching me some very important values. You taught me how to be strong and resilient. How to fight for myself no matter how many times I get told I’m not worth it. How to stand up for the things I wanted. In few words: you made me strong. You never made me feel loved, or cherished, or appreciated but you made me grow a determined person and I’ll be forever grateful for that.
Ultimately, I am sorry you had to hurt so much, dad. I am sorry someone caused you so much pain and broke you so early that you had to go through your whole life destroying the things you were supposed to love. I am truly and dearly sorry and I hope that wherever you are you’ve found your peace. Seriously. Everyone deserves to be happy. Even if it is ever after.
Even though you weren’t very lovely sometimes you were always loved.