Blood runs thicker than water.

My dad died a few weeks ago. I had seen it coming for a long time because he had been ill for years at this point yet I was taken aback by how much it did hurt.

My relationship with my dad was lukewarm at best. Non-existant for years, really. A stern type, my dad was a man of sharp words. He never spared them on me and as a child I was his favourite target. That and his hatred of women in general never granted us a good relationship.

When I was younger I used to think that one day he’d come around and apologise for all the things he had done to me and to my family, but, not surprisingly, he never did. I could go on and write a long rant about how many bad things he did and how much pain he caused but I deem it pointless. The past should stay in the past. Where it belongs.

Instead, I want to say thank you, dad, for teaching me some very important values. You taught me how to be strong and resilient. How to fight for myself no matter how many times I get told I’m not worth it. How to stand up for the things I wanted. In few words: you made me strong. You never made me feel loved, or cherished, or appreciated but you made me grow a determined person and I’ll be forever grateful for that.

Ultimately, I am sorry you had to hurt so much, dad. I am sorry someone caused you so much pain and broke you so early that you had to go through your whole life destroying the things you were supposed to love. I am truly and dearly sorry and I hope that wherever you are you’ve found your peace. Seriously. Everyone deserves to be happy. Even if it is ever after.

Even though you weren’t very lovely sometimes you were always loved.

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6 thoughts on “Blood runs thicker than water.

    1. There is good everywhere. If you keep looking you will always find it. Sometimes it is hard go see the positives but they are always there. I always treat life setbacks as learning opportunities. Still, am taken aback at how much it does hurt.

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  1. No father could want more than a child who loves him. Sometimes it’s more than we deserve.
    I could never understand how someone who preferred to spend his time down in the pub ever found the time to father 3 children, but mine did.He had a nasty temper and believed in spare the rod, spoil the child though I’m not sure if the fault for that lies with the upbringing of the generation he was in. I hated him.
    When I got married my wife already had a child of 7 whose father also spent every spare moment in the pub.When I asked what kind of Dad she’d like, her answer was ‘One who doesn’t go to the pub’. I never went again after that. My daughter and I have a fantastic relationship and even now at nearly 40, she still likes to ask my advice and I still enjoy shopping with her and my grandson. When you decide you’re going to have children, you must be prepared for changes in your life.You must know a small life is dependent on you and that what you do they learn from.
    I’m sorry you weren’t shown the love you deserved when young and I have to congratulate you on the strength you showed in forgiveness. Your Dad was a lucky, lucky man.
    xxx Huge Hugs xxxx

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    1. All kids love their parents. It is human nature. Even when they are crap parents. That said it doesn’t mean you have to have a relationship with them. Sometimes, in spite of loving someone, you have to let them go because they are damaging you. Sad but true this is how life works. Thanks for reading!

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  2. Found your blog off a HONY posting and it so resonates with me. Similarly, my dad passed a few weeks ago. I had what really amounts to the luxury of being able to prepare for it a few weeks ahead of time, had said my goodbye and then it comes and I’m just so “hit” by it. The world seemed emptier. Yet, I had no relationship with my dad for quite a while. For him, alcoholism systematically stripped him of everything over the last 25+ years ultimately landing him in prison. But like you, I had him to thank for so many things. Im grateful for the lessons I learned either through his good or bad example. The dichotomy of feelings is intense. Anyway girl, good post. I feel ya.

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