Have you ever climbed a hill? It is steep, isn’t it? Sometimes you are completely out of breath and you feel so helpless you could die. You feel you won’t overcome what’s in front of you because it is so big and so daunting and you just keep filling up your mind with can’t. Well, granted,getting to the top is difficult but have you ever looked at your world from up there? Pretty, right? Bloody pretty. Well, life is exactly the same. So whenever you find yourself stuck in a hill stop and take a deep breath. Deeper. Even deeper than that. Close your eyes and count your blessings. One by one. Just stop there and look at your wins, mourn your loses, lick your wounds but most of all just go ahead and chin up because from there… from where you are standing from.. well, it is only bound to get better… All in due course and for the price of never giving up. Everything and more for the price of holding on.
Some days you just can’t. Doesn’t matter how hard you try you just can’t get sadness to stop creeping on you.
Whenever you turn around, wherever you look she is always there, her and those big blue teary eyes staring intently at you.
You try to shake it off, dance it off, shout it off. Remain unaffected. Whatever, it just won’t work. Because the trick to controlling sadness is embracing it. Giving it a chance to exist. In order to heal we have to allow ourselves to grief. Accept sadness, let her in and let her show us that we miss the things we once had and are gone now.
It is not bad to reminisce. To remember old times. To hope for something we no longer have. As anytime in life the bad thing is to dwell on it, to lose ourselves in it and stay sad forever, to deny ourselves the pleasure of moving on with life and doing something else, meeting someone else, living other things.
So allow yourself to browse through all of those old pictures. To spend an afternoon laughing at “how young we were” ,”how much we had” , “how fun this was” and “the embarrassing stories we shared” because the person may be gone but those are not gone. People exist as long as we care for reminding them. And they may make you eventually sad but those are part of your story, of who you are in the end.
So today I choose to remember. I choose to remember those I loved and no longer get to share my days with me. I choose to remember the things I’ve lost. I choose to remember the lives I’ve lived and to know that whatever happens those are some of my happy memories. Because I was there to live them, because I was with them.
I choose to remember but not to stay in the past. I choose to remember love and life. I choose to remember but not to die a bit everyday.
So go, go away, get out of me… https://play.spotify.com/track/5Hd6DPGjqihEnWSiGRzqr6
Say something, don’t give up on yourself. Speak up. Don’t be scared of defending yourself when life gets unfair. Fight for the things you want. Stand up and say ‘I’ve had enough of this’ if you have to.
No one deserves to be unhappy. No one deserves the bad things happening to them. Yet bad things happen everyday. Somehow, somewhat they just do. And you find yourself at a loss, trying to put off the fires, trying to deal with it all.
I know it ain’t easy but over the years I’ve found that making some adjustments regarding self care helps. It may not solve the problems but doing these five things certainly makes me feel better. Or, at least, slightly better.
So whenever I feel way too gloomy about the state of my world I always try to remember these…
- Talk. Can’t emphasise it enough. Just talk. To your friends. To your loved ones. Don’t keep it all to yourself, let some of it out. Unwind after your crap days. Not only it will make you feel better but you may use it as brainstorming to find solutions! Remember, seeking help from others doesn’t make us weak, it makes us feel human and supported!
- Find a distraction. Over worried with work? Too tired to think? Try to do something you like everyday. Read 5 pages of your current book. Walk around the city on your way home. Get off the tube two stops earlier so you get to roam your favourite bookshop. Get a nice coffee. A slice of cake. A hot drink before bed. Meet a friend for a quick chat. Squeeze in a quick workout after work. Whatever, just do something that makes you happier. Every.single.day. Granted, if you try hard enough you will find the time and you will feel your days just got heaps better!
- Take good care of yourself. Sleep plenty. Don’t overload your days. Eat well, often and enough. Keep your liquids up. Avoid alcohol and crap food. What you feed yourself affects your mood too! Keep it clean and your mood will feel cleaner too!
- Feel pretty. Groom yourself. Spend an extra fifteen minutes in front of the mirror every morning. Wear clothes you like. Invest on some nice shoes. Allow yourself some time to dry your hair. The way you present yourself to the world relates to how you feel! Keep it up and the day will only go up from there.
- Be productive but don’t over do it. Whilst doing everything you are supposed to do in the day is good overdoing it will only land you in trouble. You will feel tired, grim and overworked if you try to be productive all of your time. Set yourself some goals for everyday and don’t get too worked up if you don’t achieve everything you think you should be achieving. You’ll get there, all in due time!
And most of all… my one ground rule. Breathe. Allow yourself a minute to think. Slow down. Stay strong. Whatever happens you are doing FINE.
Free… free fallin’ (….) https://play.spotify.com/track/4LloVtxNZpeh7q7xdi1DQc
It rained all day today. I was moody like the weather and I felt somewhat sad right from the start. Good mourning.
My flatmate broke my bed by accident while we were trying to fix some stuff. Bless her, she didn’t mean to. I am not mad. It just happened. The same way I didn’t mean to fuck up my knees yet I did. And the same way my room is a mess, my life is in tatters, my head is not a pleasant place and my world is kind of crumbling down. I’m falling apart.
It’s time to say goodbye to running me. Goodbye, for now. Goodbye, for time being. Goodbye, for months. And well… what’s left to do.. I will just go ahead and say goodbye. And I will say thank you. Thank you very ever so much. It was amazing, really. I am sorry it didn’t work out, knees. I am sorry I caused you so much pain. And I am sorry, ankles, I am sorry for you too. I didn’t mean it. Believe me.
And here comes the catch (….) I think I don’t quite mind. In spite of everything I just can’t mind. If I look at the mirror,I am smiling. If I step back and look at the state of things I just think.. It could be bloody worse! I don’t know if I am shocked, tired, or just used to it but I think I *really* don’t mind. I think that somehow I will always find a way through. As I have always done. As I will always do. And I will grow to love my mattress on the floor since I’ve always been fond of playing campsite. And I won’t mind discovering new things I enjoy doing. And I will want to cry but I will laugh too because I am not truly madly deeply sad. I am just disappointed. This wasn’t for me and that’s the end of it. For now.
As my grandma used to say, if something is not for your that’s not your world over. It just means you will get to do other things. It just means the plans for you are different. Get over it, go to bed, sleep on it and wake up on a new mindset. A bad day today is a better day to come.
You were the one I loved, the one thing that I tried to hold on to… https://play.spotify.com/track/6NSJOIyKYcRZh28Kf0URTw
Sometimes life is a game of give and take. You give it all, you get some of it back. Sometimes. And other times you just have to let go of the things that are not meant for you. Even if you want them. Badly. So badly it hurts. Even if they make you the happiest you have been in a very long time. They are just not.meant.for.you. Not.yours. Not things you can have in your life.
I could start complaining. Get super mad about it. Mad at my body. Mad at myself for not being able to read the telltale signs. For not listening to my own limitations. For letting my willpower say “I know better. You can do this.”. I could. But I won’t. I will instead try to stay calm and positive. Learn from this.
Running has brought me so much. It has helped me heal from the biggest wounds I’ve ever suffered. It has kept me up when I felt I was sliding down. It has given me more that it has taken yet that wasn’t enough. Nowhere near enough.
So here’s the drill: unless a miracle happens I am banished from running for time being. I have been trying to not think about it, overlook it, think that I would get better in time and that it didn’t matter, that I would get back up to speed before the Royal Parks but the truth is that unless my appointment on monday goes amazingly well I won’t be able to run healthily for time being. “Time being” an actually pretty long amount of time. Whilst I won’t go into the gory details or dwell on it disappointed is a small word for it. I have put in so much work into this. I have done so much fundraising. I have put so much heart into this and to give up feels like the coward option.
Whilst I am still holding my horses until monday I am getting ready to say goodbye too. Or see you later. See you later to a part of me I cherish. To a part of me I care about. To something I have felt and still feel strongly about. But I am not saying goodbye to my journey. To the knowledge that I can still do big things. To the things I’ve learned from my feet pounding the pavement. I am so not. Whatever happens I’ll just do what’s best for me, for my health, for my wellbeing. Because here’s the thing: the minute something hurts you more than helps you… it’s time to move on. And that applies to everything in life. Relationships, jobs, everything. Don’t let anything drag you down.
We are precious. From birth to death we go through life like bulls in a china shop. Chips here, cracks there, we spend so much time trying to fix the damage done. Ultimately the damage catches up with us and that’s why acknowledging the cracks is so important. To go and heal is not to give up. To wish oneself better is not being a coward.
So here’s my deal: maybe this won’t be for me now… but only time will tell.
I am still keeping my fingers crossed for monday. But I am ready. Ready to head whatever direction I will need to.
I am ready to deal, to heal. My journey of a thousand miles will always start with one step.
Playing… this. I want to be well https://play.spotify.com/track/3d9MDVq4YUEMqURMCoJUyy
I haven’t seen it all but I’ve certainly been to hell and back on several occasions.
All over my life I have had to overcome obstacles, illnesses, backlashes. Being thrown down a loop. Facing my biggest fears. Trying and failing. And I’ve learned from all of them. I have come stronger at the other end. Probably still not enough, but stronger.
Because here’s the thing: you will never be strong enough. You will never know it all. You will always have to keep looking for happiness. Sadly (or luckily!) this is the way life works.
So here’s my advice: Learn from it. Take it all in. Make the most of the things that happen to you. Don’t be scared of rocking the boat and starting again. Cling onto the things you deem worthy. Tell people you love them if you do. Be grateful. Share the good things. And the bad ones too. Talk, talk and talk, get it all out. Put it in writing. Follow your dreams. Set realistic goals. Enjoy time away from your obligations. Relax. Do a thing that scares you every.single.day. And in the end just breathe. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe alive. Happy. Accomplished. Breathe I am here today and I have decided to be happy.
I’ve learned a lot in the past few months. About pain. About having your heart torn apart in two and feeling like you are going to die. And losing one of the people you loved the most and one you didn’t even know (or wanted to know) you loved.
I’ve learned heaps about healing. And crying so hard you burst out laughing. And opportunities. A lifetime of them.
Because even when you don’t think so after breaking comes the mending. The re-building of the things you shattered. The search for new kinds of happiness. The climb and the realisation that you can do anything as long as you get a little help from your friends. And newfound willpower. Determination. Energy. To come out of the hole. To branch out. To go see the outside world. Again.
So this has been a battle, a journey, a series of days when I’ve been shown the worst and expected to behave the best. But I’ve come out ready. I’ve come out steady.
So I say hello world and nice to meet you again and just to let you know (….) I am back, I am ready and I’ve come here to be alive.