Mona Lisa Smile or not all who wander are aimless.

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I was browsing through Netflix last night because I couldn’t sleep and I found this movie. In spite of the late hour and it’s length (a rough two hours) and the fact that I had to be awake in less than five hours I decided give it a watch.

The last time I watched this movie was when it first came out, in 2003. At rough age thirteen the movie meant strictly nothing to me. Nothing but a group of women who were living in a society I believed no longer existed.

More than ten years from then it means something different.

I liked the movie a lot more this time. It pictures a group of women who have different ideas, dreams and patterns. It shows people who want different kinds of lives and that’s absolutely ok.

And this is where I am going. More often than not people call me crazy. Because I run around all hours and never seem to have “fun”. Or at least, their type of fun. Because to me fun is to make myself better. To go to school, exercise, read things that fill my mind with colours, listen to music, wander aimlessly or write silly blog posts about the things that make me happy. And to spend time with friends,hug, share and to talk about the things I like. And yes, that’s true, I may not really want what other people want for themselves but that’s ok. And I maybe I have not followed the path that others drew for me but that’s totally fine too.

At the end of the movie Betty Warren says  ” My teacher, Katherine Watson, lived by her own definition, and would not compromise that. Not even for Wellesley. I dedicate this, my last editorial, to an extraordinary woman who lived by example and compelled us all to see the world through new eyes. By the time you read this, she’ll be sailing to Europe, where I know she’ll find new walls to break down and new ideas to replace them with. I’ve heard her called a quitter for leaving, an aimless wanderer. But not all who wander are aimless. Especially not those who seek truth beyond tradition; beyond definition; beyond the image.”

Not all of those who wander are aimless. Not all of those who struggle are done. To me, as always, the rest is still unwritten.

Happy weekend! https://play.spotify.com/track/7uahoYbvjqwlieliPabQLQ

All you did today was breathe.

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Today was not a good day. You woke up feeling upside down. You stood in front of the mirror and you quickly looked at all your flaws. None of your clothes felt good. You tried to make coffee and it spilled. You quickly did your eyeliner and it went the wrong way. Damnit. So much for a good day. You went outside and it was raining. “I hate rain, today is going to be such a terrible day.”. You got on the train and you lost your wallet “because only bad things will happen to me today.” So much for a positive mindset. So you went into work and your head was spinning a mile a minute. Your thoughts rushing. Assignments. And that thing he said yesterday. And what will I do next hour, next day, next friday, next week, next year… if everything I want to do right now is just breathe.

But, then, you could have done something for yourself. If you wake up in a not so great mood, stand in front of the mirror and smile. You are alive and kicking. You have a whole day ahead of you. And clothes are just that, clothes. And an eyeliner smudge is something you can fix and you can make new coffee and you can use an umbrella and you will get a new wallet and he loves you and you will do your assignments and you can do this and are getting along because you are strong, worthy and special. Even if everything you want to do today is just breathe. Go on, breathe, breathe my little fighter, breathe, you don’t know it yet but things are already looking brighter (….)

🙂 https://play.spotify.com/track/56Ezvk3LSIaFwANw7ViP33

Shower me with kindness.

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As of lately I have constantly been showered with kindness. Somewhat and somehow I’ve found myself surrounded with the most beautiful of people. I don’t know how to explain it but I feel like a lot of the things I am nowadays are inspired by the people I share the journey with.

Maybe it is just a hug. A word. Listening when it gets tough. A small token. Being there really.

I am lucky. Very. Extremely. To an amazing degree. I may not cherish myself all that much but I am loved. I am loved and I am shown love. And it makes my heart swell with both love and pride.

So to all of you… You make me. So damn. Happy. Blessed. Strong. Thank you.

Inner peace or why do I love the gym.

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“My inner peace starts the minute I tie up my shoelaces. Put my headphones on. My hair back in a ponytail. Get my bottle of water. March into the gym. Within the first five minutes on the Cross Trainer, I am hooked.

It ain’t no running but it is still my place. Somewhere I can go to whenever I feel life is just too much. I do miss running. Dearly. Not a day goes without me thinking of how long will it be until I can actually run again. But then, I still have the outlet. I have the chance to escape. To come stronger at the other side. Because exercise is nothing but an act of self love. An hour or two for yourself, your thoughts and your music.

I cherish this moments. For a while I am happy. Just that. Incredibly. Violently. Amazingly.

Happy. “

 I .. I see the stars https://play.spotify.com/track/6AxDlmcLwREgGRWvnAnDCd

Accountability or she has no time for you now.

As of lately, I suck at accountability.

Let me explain.

The thing is that the day only has a certain number of hours. And, there are many things I have to do in said hours. For one, I have to get to work. I like my job. Making coffee is fun and most of my customers always manage to make me laugh. Then, there’s school. I have to be clever, listen and ask questions and most of all I have to try to remember because I shall do my assignments straight after. Then, there’s social life. I am ashamed to admit that there hasn’t been much of that lately.

In the end the thing that remains is the fact that I suck at being accountable. You will talk to me and I will forget. I will vouch to go to bed earlier so I have more energy and will get caught up in whatever I’m doing. Heaps of laundry will pile in a corner of my bedroom and I will franticly search for clean undies/decent clothes in the morning. I will fall asleep on the bus coming home and then stay awake all night because I can’t go back to sleep once I’m woken up. Ad aeternum. Just like a cycle I will just keep telling myself that I haven’t done such and such or gotten back to someone because I don’t have the time.

I don’t think I am complaining but it’s just that… I don’t have the time. Now. And won’t. For a long. Time. If that makes sense.

Sometimes being a grown up sucks.

Meanwhile… let’s dance https://play.spotify.com/track/1qObqxSMFSXqyBQoWfILv7

Monday musings.

You are allowed to lick your wounds. You are allowed to break apart and start building yourself. You are just not allowed to give up.

Stay faithful, stay strong. Pray, try, do whatever you have to do to feel better. But DO get better. Even if it is the last thing you do.

Twenty-four.

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The year I ran. The year I got lost. Alive. Broken. Hurt. Lost and found. Scared. Very. So much it hurt. And I learned. To breathe. To stay whole. To try again. And I kept swimming. And I sank yet again. It was hard. To keep going. To not fly away. Or sink. But I stayed strong. And happy. And I kept trying. Everyday. Wrote a blog.Climbed a mountain. Ran 13 miles. And then couldn’t run anymore. Lost friends. And made quite a few. And couldn’t sing or breathe but I still wasn’t dead. Isn’t it great. To be. Alive.

Happy birthday to me and goodbye you beautiful twenty-four. You’ve been eye opening, life changing, beautiful. Look forward to my next 365 days.

Write until your fingers bleed.

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“Write because your heart bleeds. Because you want to get to the end. Because you are scared, happy or don’t even know what you are. Write because everything you can ever think about is writing. Because you type in your sleep. Whatever, just do it. Scribble in till receipts, in old notebooks, in your own skin. Go on, keep writing. Until your fingers break, until your brain dries up. Just go for it. Keep writing.”

Heartbeats.

We spend a lifetime sheltering ourselves from the damage. Cracks here, chips there our only thought, our one aim is to keep ourselves whole. We never think of the beauty in splitting. About the pretty things having to break down brings, about the fact that once you are broken you can see yourself inside out and have a proper look at the state of things

Because that’s what we do as we go through life, we look at things. We change things. We build things. We break things. It takes time, it takes energy but all it really takes is just us being us. Us being true to the things in our mind. To our wishes. To all the scary things.

But then, in the end, why shall we live in a shell? Why shall we not wander out, see more, see the bigger picture? Why denying ourselves the pleasure of doing more, being more, having an actual life?

Why, really? I’d rather die a thousands deaths than be dead for a lifetime.