Life in bridges or today was not a good day.

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I ran through the bridges today. I ran because I was angry. I ran because I was tired. I ran because I didn’t know what to do. I ran because I wanted to know.

A year ago this time I was terrified of most of the world outside. I had been stuck in a routine where I had quit several things just because I couldn’t hack them, just because I thought I couldn’t do it anymore.

It is hard to try and not succeed. It happens a lot. You will wake up one day and you won’t be successful. And you won’t be successful the next one either, and probably… not the one after that… either. What I am trying to say is that it takes time. You may fuck something up one day.  And the next one won’t be any better. And you will feel like you have tried so hard and so much it is just ungrateful. Because that’s what will happen: it will become ungrateful.

But, then, you will just get out and run through your bridges. Do your grieving, move on and keep trying. Because maybe, this will work one day. Because, maybe, I can hack this.

 

Today wasn’t a good day. But tomorrow may be. Or may not. But I still want to see (……)

 

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What a difference a day makes.

image.jpegA day like today two years ago someone I knew chose to jump from a window. You wouldn’t have said she was depressed. Yet she was and she couldn’t take living or loving anymore so she went ahead and took the biggest of leaps: the leap onto not-existing. We miss you on earth, C.

But, then, day like today last year I met one of the people who have been there for me the most this year. There’s lots I have to thank her for. For reminding me that I am strong. And worthy. And that I can do things.

What I am trying to say is that you never know what a day will bring. Some days may stay tarnished in your calendar forever, some may not. Because in the end the thing that really matters is to make days count. To mourn the bad and celebrate the good and remember that we used to be happy and feel so proud.

It is hard to let go of things. It is hard to snap out of moods. But it is even harder to go through life without living because we are too scared. Scared of laughing, of sharing drinks in crowded bars, of accepting people in our heart. Scared of being the beautiful people we are and trapped onto thinking we will never be enough.

Well, don’t. Make your days count. Cherish the good. Exorcise the bad. Life is a journey, life is a way, life is beautiful. Baby steps, keep it up and start living.

Mental illness and all of her friends.

Monday was a tough day. I said something I didn’t really mean. Actually, I’m lying. I did mean it. If she doesn’t start eating she is going to die. And I don’t really think she wants to be alive right now. A tough call and the wrong choice of words. The recipe for a disaster.

My head has been running a mile a minute since then. I feel guilty. I know that eating disorders are tough. I know that in her heart she doesn’t want to die. She just wants to be fucking perfect. And I know that deep down she must know this wrong but at the same time this is everything she knows. She’s standing at a crossroad. Heading nowhere.

If I could just find my words I’d tell her… I’d tell her that it does get better over time. That she will want to dance again. And that tights must touch so you can hear them laugh together. I wish I could tell her that one day she will meet someone that will love her for all the beautiful things she already is and not the ones she wishes she was. And I wish she could come to my wedding. And see me have children. And stop staring at her own life from the sidelines. I wish. I really do. I do so much it breaks my heart.

So today I just want to quickly remind all of you that if you are having a bad body image day,this too shall pass. That you are beautiful. And that your curves bear the weight of all the pretty things you are. Because you are indeed. Pretty. Brave. Strong. Powerful.

 

All my prayers are with you… I’m rooting for you (…..)

Back to the basics.

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“The world is still beautiful. We are still human. And I have faith. So much faith. So much it makes my heart burst. With fear. And love. And ache. Ache for the world and the things that keep happening. But I will keep trying. Because that’s what I do. No matter how bad it gets I just keep swimming. And I will keep writing the story because that’s what I do: I send messages of hope. The last few days were horrific but better days will come soon.”

Paris is burning.

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(Picture via @timoelliott http://timoelliott.com/personal/tag/paris/page/2/ )

“Paris is burning. The world is burning. We’ve gone crazy. We’ve lost track. Can’t even start talking about the amount of damage people have been creating in the last few years, decades, centuries. Humans are killing other humans. It makes me burn with rage. It makes me ache with sadness.

Last night was a hard one. The whole of Europe was shaken by a tragedy that took the lives of more than 100 people. But there is so much more we don’t talk about. The refugees? They are running away from the people who did last night. Us? We are turning our faces the other way.

I am absolutely joining public mourning but I also want to reflect on how we face this issues on a daily basis. There’s bombs in Bagdad every single day. Some people won’t leave their houses or speak their minds because they are scared to death of the things that may happen to them if they do so. And the refugees, bless them, need our help and support. I think that most of us have forgotten where we are coming from. We’ve gotten big headed and have forgotten that we had our share of issues in the past too. Have we forgotten what humanity is?

So yes, I do pray. I do indeed pray. Down on my knees I pray. I pray for a safe world for the children I am yet to have. For a safe world for us when we become so old we forget how to defend ourselves. For a place where we feel at home rather than at war. I pray for equality. For unanimity. For respect instead of animosity. I get down on my knees and pray. For Paris. For all those who live in war ridden countries and are scared. For the broken families. For those who don’t have a bite to eat. I pray. For all of them. For life. And for all of us.”

My silver lining.

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“Silver linings exist. Bad days end. Unhappiness never lasts forever. And no matter how many times you stumble you will always wake up. So go on, stay strong, do that thing that makes you happy everyday. Try and fail but never stop trying. Keep close to your people and let them know you love them. Share the good, the bad and the better. Never stop dancing to your own kind of music. Read books that broaden your mind and listen to songs that make you smile. Wear clothes that make you feel good. Eat when you’re hungry. Run around and hug your people. And at the end be happy, close your eyes and be just that, happy.”

Monday musings.

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“Don’t give up. A setback is not the end. A mistake is not fatal. Don’t give up because you ate too much, or your body aches, or you hurt someone. Or yourself. Don’t give up. This will take time. Think of it as a journey. You’ve worked so hard for this. Your body is a temple. Don’t give up because quitting seems like the easiest option at this stage. Because you think you can’t do this. Because you are tired. Don’t give up. Push through, muddle through, stop thinking about do’s and dont’s and focus on the things you want. Whatever you do just remember: you made it this far. You just gotta keep going.”