Running my way through life.

image

This year has been all about the ride. I have been running through life.

I have been at the best, I have been at the worst, there have been times where I just wanted to give up and say fuck it all, fuck you all, I can’t hack any of this.

I won’t lie, I have learned a lot about persistence this year. And about humanity. Because as much as you want to let somebody in sometimes you also have to see them out. No amount of tough love can heal the wounds some people inflict in you. And that’s hard. To let go of someone you love because they don’t love you right. Talk about breaking down.

As I said, I have danced a lot this year. In empty ballrooms, in dusty theatres, in places I’d rather never have to dance again. Not easy but I have finally found my equilibrium. And I have had sore feet, swollen ankles, a messy head, a heavy heart and some overfull lungs. Sometimes they were so full it really hurt to breathe. But I always made it. I always lived another day. Through gritted teeth, giving it my all, my everything. And I stumbled,waltzed,smiled,cried,laughed. Look at me because I did it all.

So here’s what I’ve learned: you will try and you will fail and you will try again and most likely fail again because this is how life works and most of the time things are just not fair (…) But if you keep trying you will get a day where things will actually start happening. If you wait long enough and you give it your all and you sit tight and you push harder you may actually get to the place you wanted. And if in the end you can’t and you don’t and you give up and decide you can’t take it you will still have all the things you have learned. Because no trying is futile. Because most moments in life are nothing but huge lessons.

So here’s to learning and here’s to keeping at it. Because you may knock me down but I will always come back up.

Come on 2016, I’m waitin’ for ya (…..)

 

 

 

 

20 things I’ve learned this year.

 

image

  1. Letting go: let go of things and how to move on. How gently did you let go of the things that weren’t meant for you…
  2. Patience: wait for it. Just because you didn’t get it today it doesn’t mean you won’t get it when the time is right.
  3. Smile: even when life sucks. You keep your head up, you smile. You suck it up you put a brave face and you smile.
  4. Grieving is a bitch and that’s ok. Grieve if you have to, it is just human to do so.
  5. With a little help of your friends you can achieve anything. If only you let them help.
  6. The time is now. Don’t waste your time doing things you hate, get a move on and change!
  7. You can do hard things (….) If only you start believing you actually *can*.
  8. Say you’re sorry. We all make mistakes. Maybe you can’t salvage the relationship. But maybe you can. Go ahead, try, say you are sorry. Just don’t abuse it, it gets old so quickly.
  9. Seize the day. Every day is special, every day is significant, it’s only up to you to make it be.
  10. Be kind: spend time taking care of others. Be gentle. Use positive words even when you’re mad. What goes around comes around.
  11. Learn from your mistakes: failure is not fatal. Just because you crash it doesn’t mind you won’t bounce back. Just because you fail it doesn’t mean you won’t succeed.
  12. Stay strong: a bad day today is a better day to come.
  13. Let go of toxic people: they will only bring poison into your life.
  14. Exercise regularly: a healthy body makes for a healthy mind and a healthy person.
  15. Find beautiful in every single day.
  16. Be kind to yourself: yes, you made a mistake, yes you are on your way to fixing it, don’t dwell on things.
  17. Dance. To your own kind of music. Do things because YOU like them, not because others like them.
  18. All you need is run. In case of pain, sadness, unhappiness… just… RUN.
  19. Write. Never stop writing. Write because you want to, because you like it, because this is the next chapter of your life.
  20. It does get better: all in due course, life does get better…

 

2016… I am ready 🙂 7 days and counting. Tic tac tic tac.

 

 

 

Patterns or a leap out of the comfort zone.

Processed with VSCOcam with c1 preset

I am fond of patterns. I fear alterations. Ever so slight changes throw me off the loop. I just don’t deal well with unexpected. And, as of lately, everything is always so unexpected. So much it scares me. It’s kind of like being thrown from a cliff.

This year has been one for changes. I have opened my heart. I have stopped fearing certain things. I’ve stood in a classroom and given a presentation. I’ve met new people. I’ve been at parties. I’ve tried to understand people who are not necessarily like minded and succeeded. I’ve started running. And wearing short shorts and skirts in public. I’ve grown to love the person I am becoming, I think she’s pretty cool.

It hasn’t been easy. Giving up what you thought safe to go and get what you want the most. Because all these do nothing but getting me closer to the things I want, to the things I wish, to the things I will have.

The comfort zone is easy. The comfort zone is safe. But, the comfort zone also means settling down just because you are too scared to keep trying. And I will never stop trying. If there is something I am, that’s a striver. If there is something I want, it is to do better.

 

 

 

 

Serendipities or every single thing you do is magic.

Processed with VSCOcam with c1 preset

Live your life as though every single breath you take is magic. Appreciate what you have. Wake up every morning and silently count your blessings. Only worry about running out of fingers. Head outside and see the world still half asleep. Smile to yourself because your thoughts are pretty. Head into the tube and think about what the day may bring. Leave your anxieties at your doorstep, you are here to achieve big things.

Live your life as a series of random acts of kindness. Do good and you will receive good. Be persistent and you will achieve results. Be kind and you will be loved. Be happy and you will make others happy too.

Live your life as though every single simple little thing is magic. Tell your friends about the things that worry you, only to end up laughing about them. Wake up five minutes early to scroll through blogs you like, or read, or stretch or just apply and extra coat of mascara. Allow yourself some downtime. Get enough sleep. Feed yourself pretty and stop pointing at your flaws. After all, you are perfect. So perfectly flawed. (……)

 

And every little thing you do is magic (…..)

 

Missing or the art of moving on.

Processed with VSCOcam with c1 preset

 

It’s been a few months without you. At first, I felt nothing but a sharp pain. Somewhere next to my ribcage it just hurt. It did. So bad I just wanted to go away.

But, yesterday I was talking to a friend about you and I realised that I missed you but I no longer felt the absence in my ribcage. You are gone, that’s a fact. And it is not going to change. You are not coming back. I hope you’re well wherever you are because it is so hard being here without you.

Sometimes I wish I had just one more chance to tell you that I am so proud of how much you fought. Proud of how good you made me and how much you taught me and the things we shared and the time we had. You were my friend and you will always be. It doesn’t matter that we won’t really see each other anymore. Whenever I will speak about you my eyes will light up. With nostalgia. With longing. But they will light up with happiness too. Because you left your mark in the earth, hell yes you did. You taught me how to be resilient and how to hang on and how to keep smiling even though I no longer wanted to.

And you made me strong. You reminded me of my beautiful bits when I didn’t feel very beautiful. You helped me fight my demons. And that’s something I will never forget, that the earth was a beautiful place whenever you stepped in. That life got better whenever you gave me a hug.

 

I miss you. And I love you. But I no longer ache. I hope that wherever you are you are proud. Because I am, I am proud I ever got to meet you.

 

 

 

 

Come dancing.

Come dancing because you are happy. Come dancing because you made it through, because you fought your ghosts and you won a battle. Just come dancing. Dance so hard your feet hurt. Dance. Smile so much you look demented. Just keep spinning. This has been a good day. And, you have a good life. AND, you are still alive. Celebrate. Bloody hell and for fuck sake, just go on and start dancing!

 

Meanwhile, I am still dancing…

You don’t have to be disordered to have an eating disorder.

Anyone you know could have an eating disorder. Your mum, your sister, the girl you used to sit with a school. You may not know but they are fighting a battle, a battle no-0ne knows anything about against themselves.

As a society, we are partly to blame: we are born in a world of strivers. Strive for better, get thinner, get fitter, skip dinner! Some of it is healthy, most of it is well aimed but some of it may kill one of this women. This women who are our mothers, daughters, sisters, friends.

Over the past few years I have seen a few of my close friends struggle with eating disorders. I have seen them isolate, create barriers, feel lonely and stigmatised. I have seen them suffer. And be scared, scared to admit the struggle, to admit that they are not ok.

Yet, for someone who doesn’t know what an eating disorder is like, what does it feel like they may think.. all this girl needs is a few meals. There’s nothing else to it, just bloody eat, for fuck sake!

I’m afraid that it runs a lot deeper than that. A person who chooses to not eat may hate himself or herself. Or, may be scared of not fitting the expectations. Or, just scared of life. But the worst thing is that they won’t talk about it. It is so hard to admit you’re struggling in a society that punishes the weak, that punishes people who say enough is enough and I can’t do this.

As of lately, I have grown closer to someone who is really struggling with coming to terms with her eating and her raging eating disorder. Slowly, relentlessly, she is losing all the things she loves because she is too scared to eat, too scared to go on, too scared to live. I have run out of ideas to help her but I haven’t run out of faith. I believe that she can do better if she wants to, I believe that one day she will find that one thing that will click and will save her life. I want to believe that.

So I encourage all of you to reach out. To try to help those people who could be helped, to lend a helping hand.

 

My dear baby girl, I am here,  I am rooting for you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sun still rises (…) even through the rain.

IMG_0479Today I looked around and thought: it is a good day to be alive. Not much, not a lot, just that, alive. I don’t need many things. Actually,I’d say I am kind of blessed. I have good friends, I only hate certain things when they get way too hard for me to handle and I find one reason to smile every single day, even if it is just the once and it truly  lights up my face.

Come to think of it and looking back,  I have been alive for a long time. Just that, alive. Dancing around, trying my own  way at life, learning and crashing and burning and starting all over again just to be better. You could say I am proud. I guess deep down I am. Very. Extremely. Madly.

Because in spite of the days where it gets dark, too dark to see, and the days were I just don’t want to see I am still going. I am still trying. I am still having my own hand at this. At life. I am still here. And I am not going anywhere.

 

 

 

Social media is a good liar.

 

Processed with VSCOcam with c1 preset

 

I live an idyllic life on social media.

According to my posts I spent heaps of time outside (running, walking,seeing the world)  pursue various interests and entertain several friendships. It is fascinating. I always look happy, my make up is kind of good and I usually have something nice or positive to say.

I am not going to say all these are a lie but I guess I am just choosing what do I share. I do not share my period zits or my 5 am face or the fact that my legs are still shaking from my run yesterday. I do not share that I am stressed and that I talk too quickly and forget mostly everything and anything because I can’t stop worrying about what’s coming next. And I guess that every now and then I add a few filters here and there,you know, to add some color. And hell yes, I like to share what I’ve learned but I don’t usually say how did I learn it or how hard it was to reach that point. It is kind of weird.

I mean, I truly am this happy person I picture. I do enjoy my runs, and seeing my city, and bouncing up and down but there is a lot more to it.

So today I embrace my struggle, my not so beautiful bits and my not so good days. Even when I stumble, I will get up. Even when it gets ugly, I will still have a pretty story to tell.

Never forget that…

Processed with VSCOcam with c1 preset