Edge of normalcy

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Last saturday something shook my little world upside down. A bridge, one of my bridges, my favourite bridge, THE London Bridge suddenly became a place of murder and destruction. Blood was spilt. Fear was instilled. Innocent people died. Others were hurt. And it wasn’t the first time. Manchester saw it happen a couple weeks back. The Westminster bridge saw it happen a couple months back. We live in a truly terrifying world.

If you are still with me, most days I wonder what the hell is going on with the world. Are we not learning from our old mistakes? Have we not spilt enough blood over the past few centuries? Why are we not getting over hatred? I may be biased or irrational sometimes but these days, I totter on the edge of normalcy. Shake at the end of it, more like. Too awake, too alert, too scared to notice anything but the sound of my own breathing. My own very shallow breathing. Taking it all in, wishing it would go away.

It is hard. Hard to spend a whole life learning about how to avoid death to have someone take life away from us so easily. A split second and everything you knew is swiftly gone. Your life. Your significant other’s altered forever. Why would I eat healthy, take good care of myself, make a living, create memories if someone can just sweep in and decide that I can’t be on earth anymore? Of course, I still would and I intend to because I can’t let anyone stop me living my life to the fullest. And nor should you. We are not scared. We stand together. United we can beat this.

This days, though, I put on a brave face. A bold, smiley, determined brave face. I am cheery for the sake of it.I wordlessly go through the motions. I do yoga and my mind wanders. I go to work and my thoughts race. I read books which are way too thin and I tell people I love them out of fear of not being able to say it anymore. I am coping. I am doing just fine.

To be honest,most of the time I kind of tried to bury it deep. Deep down under. Let it lie underneath my rather thick skin. It’s not like I was standing on the London Bridge on that fateful day a mere hour before it all happened. It is not that scary. Right? Like if I don’t think about it then it is not real at all. I mean. It could have been me. It could have been you. It shouldn’t have to be any of us if you get my drift. But it could. And that is truly terrifying. Enough to make my blood go stone cold.

Nowadays and most days, I live on the edge of normalcy in a world telling me to stay safe. To keep alert. To be vigilant. Vigilant the key word for aware of how bad it can get. Because the bad people are out there to get us and there are many of them populating the earth. Vigilant because a few weeks ago someone decided to murder people that were celebrating life (…) Dancing, creating memories, smiling. Being alive.

But you know what is the worst? Other than the fear, the heartbreak and the pain? The fact that most people will resort to playing the blame game. They will look for someone to take the fall for whatever happened. The voices will chorus ‘You made it real, you are guilty and so is your kind.’ But do you want to know where the damage lies? Ignorance. Fear. Racism. Separation. Segregation. Lies. Domination. Power struggles.

At the end of the day we are all human beings. We all are mothers,and brothers, and sisters and other people’s people above it all. We are all loved. We all have someone waiting for our call at the other end. We all have someone who will worry if we are late getting home because they know it is unsafe out there.

Maybe I am naive but to me this is pretty simple: we need to stop humans from killing other humans.